Good morning all-
I can honestly say this is the first morning in months I feel like myself again. Without being too specific I have had what I would call a desert season. I have felt weak, powerless and often sad. I am an optimistic person by nature. I love life and people. I trust probably when I shouldn't and I love with all my heart. But in the last months, my eyes have fallen on me more and more and in those days and hours all I could do is reach for Jesus.
Since January, I have been working on memorizing scripture. I'm still not great at it but I'm getting better. I make them images in my Bible app to remember my path. Each verse has helped me take my eyes off me to the eternal and I am so grateful. The word isn't just something we read, it's living. I never needed it more than I have the last five months.
If you're depressed, I know where you are. If you're weak and weary, I know where you are. If you feel like the whole world is out to get you, I know where you are. But leaders, teachers, preachers and those of us that have been saved need to take heart for He is with us, He is for us and He will deliver us, even from ourselves.
I was born for this time. I was born to lead women to Him. I was born to live my life not for myself but for Him. Often, I wake and wonder how will this be done. I don't know. I do know I have been through a tremendous personal trial. I do know that every day it took the hand of God to bring me out and make me move. I do know that my eyes have been opened wider, my heart healed in ways I couldn't imagine and my fingers are typing for Him more steadily, more honestly and more boldly.
I could choose to stay down but I won't. Why? Because as I prayed and prayed, God lifted my eyes to the hills. He lifted my eyes to the red tail hawk. He lifted my eyes to the doves sitting on an electrical pole. He lifted my eyes to a sunrise. He made me listen to the crickets, the birds and the bees. My senses became overwhelmingly loud and my heart began to soar with something besides worry, fear and rejection. My mind became strong in Him. I called to Him day and night and in the dark, I cried out with thanksgiving. I was made for this trial. I was made for this season and I am blessed.
Take heart my sisters for He is with you. I didn't need medicine to get out of this; I needed Jesus. Don't hear me saying medicine is wrong, some people need it. However, for this trial, I needed to go to the spiritual realm not the physical realm. Souls are won and lost between these two worlds and my soul was fed with the power of the Holy Spirit. I was reminded daily that He was all I needed, that He had gone before me and that He is for me and not against me. I'm not naïve to think this is the last of my journey but now Ihave gained new insight to when David called to God and put his eyes on the Holy One.
I have cared too much about the things I can't control. I have worried needlessly about situations I can't impact. I have spent hours blaming myself for things I can't control and I have learned that all that was for nothing. When I take my last breath, I won't care about the things I worried about or the bills that have to be paid. I won't be thinking about my career or the things I've achieved. I will be thinking about the love that was spread by my heart and the people that I was blessed to minister to. I also will be thinking about my husband and my beautiful boys and how they have impacted my every step. And finally, I will be lifting my eyes to Jesus, my maker and friend. Not money, power or prestige can take the place of one minute, one hour, one day spent praising and lifting my eyes to God.
I've realized a lot about myself and about people in general. We sin, we fall down, we get sad, we get mad and we have the ability to stay that way unless we are willing to forgive and to put our eyes on Jesus. Being a teacher, a preacher or a leader, is not easy. It comes with many disappointments, mainly in people. I'm sure even Jesus had that from time to time. He pursues us, He loves us and He forgives us and we stand there not accepting, making fun and pushing Jesus out of every aspect of our lives. My brother said it all yesterday without knowing it. He said my mantra was, "I've got this." There has never been a situation I haven't said that to myself. I realize that thought pattern can't be farther from the truth. I don't have anything, Jesus does.
Don't be ashamed if you feel like you can't get out of bed. Don't be ashamed if a trial brings you to your knees. Don't be afraid if your life is crashing down. Take heart good and faithful servant and turn your mind, your heart and your eyes on Jesus. Our only shame is when we don't and even then, we are forgiven. This is not a religion we worship, this is a God who loves us, who gave His life for us and all He asks in return is for us to love Him. I don't have to be on my knees for hours. I don't have to fast for 40 days. I don't even have to pray day after day. I' m not relegated to do anything but to be in relationship with my Savior, which means I pray, I love and I read the word of God. It means I forgive those that I normally wouldn't and I allow myself to be transformed through my failures. I understand I am weak and through my weakness I am made strong and in every moment I remember that all of this life is for nothing but one day it will be for everything.
May this blog bless you. May you read these words and hear the heart of a warrior. May you receive the love, the life and the word our Lord and Savior died for. May you know Him as deeply as I have these past months and may you realize that you are blessed! IN JESUS NAME I PRAY!
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? Psalm 121:1 NIV