Good morning my sisters-
It's been some time since I last wrote. Days go by and I think, "You should really write." That thought is fleeting as I assess the day or just wonder is it worth it. Time is precious and then my mind wanders and wonders, do I write for me or for Him? That's been really what I've been contemplating over the last months and days since last I posted.
Thoughts like "Am I good enough" or "Will anyone read this" are what penetrate my mind day and night. So with those thoughts comes the ability for days to go by with no words to my Maker. This blog was initiated out of pain and a need to spread the word to women all over the world. I sat for days thinking and dreaming about the what ifs of life. I wanted the perfect title to the blog that was going to reach millions. But like many things in life, year after year, the dream died more and more as the blog didn't reach millions of women and I thought, "What's the point?"
There are many places to hear God's word and who was I to think that God would use this blog for His glory anyway. So through trials and tribulations and many negative thoughts, I just stopped writing. I gave up on the dream, sat at home reading my Bible and leaving the writing to women like Anne Graham Lotz and Beth Moore. God didn't need another one of them when they were doing such a great job already. And that's exactly what I did my sisters these last months, I left it to everyone else. My posts became infrequent at best and I believed I was doing the right thing. After all, there are millions of women that can probably write better than me. And then, something happened this week and I remembered my initial vision of what God had spoken to my heart. I was to carry the message of Jesus to millions. Now that's a mighty task, right? Well, it was the first vision and then all the sudden reading Paul's testimony to King Agrippa and Festus, it came back like the tide washing to the shore, with majesty and power.
All I could think about as I read Acts 26 was that my faith had never been like that. I haven't been persecuted for what I believe, no one has tried to make me blasphemy God and I have been free every day to sit down and write to women all over the world and tell them of the power and majesty of Jesus Christ. And yet, I didn't. I sat for months thinking what's the point and let others carry the good news. So the fault lies in me, in my need to make a difference and in a dream that, to date, hasn't come to fruition. I'm the football player that sat on the sidelines as others were making touchdowns. I had a dream to be the star player but no ambition or what I believed to be talent.
Well, Acts 26 has done a number on me because I can't get it out of my mind. I actually was cleaning my office when I found the poem I wrote in November. I serve the Great and Wonderful Savior and I have sat around feeling like I don't make a difference because what I believed to be a calling just isn't. I'm like Sarah laughing at God and not believing she would have a son and I feel repentant.
Somewhere through my life I stopped dreaming. I stopped believing in the impossible. I sometimes find myself dreaming but it's for others. Dreaming is believing. If you can dream it you can make it a reality. Just look at the dreams of Henry Ford or the Wright brothers. They dreamed it, it was absolutely out there and people didn't believe them but it was true and because of them we now drive cars and fly airplanes. And if we go back to Paul's time, who would have thought that a normal trip to Damascus could make a man blinded, see a vision and believe in a Savior, so easily and so powerfully. "Saul, Saul, why have you forsaken me?" That one sentence changed a man's life, brought him hardship and persecution and yet, he stands in front of a King, boldly stating that he is only doing what He envisioned.
Power is in the dreams of men, coming from the Holy Spirit. Passion is the drive that the Spirit uses to fulfill the dream and God oversees it all, for all power lies in His will. I don't know what the months and years will bring and I have no idea if I will be standing before thousands of women telling them about my King but I do know this, I must get out of the way, not worry about fame or making a difference, and write today, for it was the Spirit that placed the dream in my heart and I must be obedient to the Spirit. It doesn't matter how many people hit this blog as long as the one that does understands that Jesus has given me life, he has freed me from Sin and He loves me with all my little dents and stains. He forgives, the world does not. The world will remain more and more corrupt, hate filled and lost but Jesus is the way. He loves you, so stop fighting Him and come into the fold. He's waiting!
Acts 26:15-18 (NIV)
15 “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
So today My Lord I ask You to come to us and spread Your wings over all those that need You. I pray that I would be faithful to the calling you placed on my heart. I pray that I would not seek fame or fortune but only You and when I pray, I would pray for the millions of women that need You today. My hope and dream is that millions will find You and that they will speak Your name. I am but one women who loves You with all her heart. I come before You repentant for my apathy and ask that You would give me a heart like my forefathers, a heart that beats only for Your voice. Please father help me in this year, 2017, to be bold for You. In Jesus Name I pray.