Monday, April 24, 2017

What should I do?

Good morning my sisters-

I woke up to a very noisy puppy this morning at 5:15 am.  You see she has already learned if she howls enough people will come running.  As I watched my husband hold her close on Saturday, I thought this is a big mistake and it so was.  He just wanted to love her, protect her and show her she could trust him but the more he held her the more she realized, "I've got him!"

Babies can manipulate just the same. Now of course we are to hold our babies but I'm talking 8 months in when they really should be sleeping.  That was my life, two babies every two hours for four years because my husband couldn't stand to hear them cry.  Well I know the pattern well and I'm about to break this puppy of the howling and crying just to get her way.  I will still love on her and love her but I have to teach discipline and independence early on, or this will be a train wreck.

Going through this over the weekend it reminded me of the decisions I have made my whole life to protect the weak and to redirect others anger and responsibilities onto my shoulders. I can't tell you when it started but it was early.  If someone hurt my mom, I wanted to say something. If someone was in the hospital and I didn't like the answers I was getting, I would question them and often, push them to finding the right answer and if I was with my boys I would want to protect them from the cruelness this world offers, which by the way may not be the best answer.

Work has always been a part of my life. I learned early to not count on people if I wanted security.  This doesn't mean I had a bad childhood because I didn't. It means I was a stubborn teenager who often believed she could do anything. I worked three jobs to pay the rent. I walked to work for almost a year until my dad bought me a cheap car and when the transmission went out I bought the most expensive Plymouth Horizon on the market. I was stubborn and I worked hard and I didn't ask for money, mainly because my parents didn't have it and also because my mom was strong enough to say "Sorry, we can't do that for you."

You think with that kind of mentorship I myself would be that parent, right?  Well, I haven't been. I've been the one feeling sorry for the hours I traveled and had to work. I've been the one full of shame because I wasn't at every major event.  I've been the one to hold onto protecting my child when he is a man and needs to protect himself.

I can't speak for every parent but I can speak for myself and I realize I made some bad choices along the way. It's like holding that puppy too long and her thinking she controls the house.  She controls the house only if we feel bad for her and we don't teach her the error of her way.  If we don't do that, it's not her fault, it's ours.

So as I contemplate what I should do next, I have to start moving in a positive direction with all my relationships. I have to stop protecting and I have to let go of the responsibility.  Young men need to work and we all must have consequences for our actions. And I need to do what I know is important and step up to the plate and let God lead my son and me.  Leading doesn't mean I get to sit by and watch life go by. Leading means I surrender my will to His will and I do what He would have done. Jesus never sat around waiting on opportunities to talk to people. He walked the crowds, He went and prayed and He spent time with His Father. He prepared daily for His work and spent countless hours mentoring the disciples. He worked hard and so did they. 

So if you are sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, make something happen. Stop wandering mindlessly.  If you're asking yourself right now, "What should I do?" Do something!  Volunteer your time while you're writing you devotional.  Apply for so many jobs that one has to fall.  Spend time with our Father to understand His direction for your life and then go forward dear soldier.

Everyone has a moment when life truly pushes them to the brink of despair. I get that but it can't eat you. So as the weeks tick by and my salary is about to stop, I, too wonder, what I should do and then I think move forward and God will provide.

So, I'm moving forward. I'm cleaning out closets, working on cover letters and applying for jobs. I am putting my hope in the unseen and asking God to provide the way. And finally, it's not my job to protect and provide. Wherever you are today, know this, God understands.  He sees you lying around wondering what the next steps are and silently, He is encouraging you to cross into the promise land without fear, you can conquer the enemy, most of the time it's the person in the mirror.

May God hold you and keep you today as He guides you through the unknown. May the light of the world rain down on us and may the Holy Spirit guide us.  In Jesus Name I pray.

2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV:

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Zechariah 9:12 NIV:

Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.


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