Good morning all-
I hope you are well. I have been in a state of finding myself, finding my path and finding God. These last months have held some times of stress,worry and fear. I have fought down panic, provision, worry, anger, and depression. I have lived in the world and not in God. Now, you might be wondering what I mean by living in the world. I'm talking about forgetting the power of the cross, spending to much time whining about things I can't control and losing who I am in Christ.
I never thought I would say this but I'm that Israelite waiting for Moses to come down off the mountain. I am that person who wanted more than the manna He provided. I am that person that believed that what worldly people said and felt about me mattered. I was that person and I didn't like it one bit. It's taken months of prayer, many Scriptures and the power of the Holy Spirit to pull me out. This was not a personal battle it was a spiritual battle for my mind and my heart. Who was going to win? I know I wasn't during the last couple of months. I was full of feelings and my sight was clogged up with the mud of the world and then, through prayer I started to see the unseen. I'm sure about now your thinking I'm crazy but that's exactly what happened.
This week as I have been diving into Scripture, listening to a wonderful minister on the web and praying alone, I found me again. I wasn't wallowing in things I couldn't control; I was giving them to God. He was fighting my battle, going before me, renewing my mind and fixing me. He was with me in my pain and He was present when I finally saw the path before me. I have always wondered why the Israelite's weren't grateful to God for His provision. Unfortunately, I found out. We are all human and when we get caught up in the world, it will catch you, shake you and try to destroy you. That's not God's way and that's not the message of the cross. The message is that we are chosen to be warriors for God. We were put on this earth for a purpose and He will use us if we let Him. I have struggled to regain my confidence, which is really sad because my confidence comes from the Lord! I have struggled with my pride. What does God say about pride? And I have struggled with believing for myself that He will go before me and that His provision is enough.
I'm ashamed and rejoicing all in the same moment, am I crazy? No. I am a warrior for God. I have spent many days in the seen to be awakened by the unseen. I've been carried on the back of Jesus and washed from blindness to light. I can see better today then I've been able to see in months, all because of Jesus. I owe Him my life, my heart and my mind. I might have walked like an Israelite but my heart is a heart that yearns after my Savior. Through the storm, I feared, fought and challenged everything I knew to be true and when it calmed, all I saw was Jesus. The stories in the Bible are about real people, real feelings and real trials. We can say, "That won't happen to me." I beg to differ. When God is calling you, the attacks on your mind will be sharp. The devil can't penetrate the heart, it belongs to Jesus but He is a great deceiver and that's how the Israelite's lost their focus. They lost sight of God.
Fear is not from the Lord! Worry is not from the Lord! Defeat is not from the Lord! Depression is not from the Lord! However, He can use all of it for His glory. The battle was tough and I'm not totally out of the woods yet. I have come to realize that my manna is the Bible and meditation. If I'm not in it, I will be attacked. I must renew my mind, put on my spiritual armor and sing praises to the Lord. I'm praising Him today. I feel as though I've been in the desert and have been taken to the promise land. My path, my purpose and my life is to proclaim the word of God. In the last couple months, every insecurity I have has tried to beat, brake and crush my spirit but God has redeemed me. He has pulled me from the pit and given me eyes to see Him. Do you ever wonder why John had the experience He writes about in revelation? I don't anymore. He was given the revelation because He could see what most couldn't. He was looking with his spiritual eyes. That was his path and now I have mine. I am giving God all the glory.
If you're going through a battle that just doesn't seem to end, then get with someone to pray for you. Take time away from everything and go to your bed and pray. And no matter what, pick up your Bible, get on the web, go to your minister and immurse yourself in the Word of God. I feel like I've died to every insecurity I've ever carried and am free. The power of the cross is real, speak it out loud and the power before you will not be your will but His.
Glory to God in the highest, who was and is and is to come! Thank you Jesus for taking me to all the places I've been in the last weeks and winning me back, hook, line and sinker. Be aware that our feelings will get us in trouble. Looking at only the seen will make you feel fear, frustration, hate, and worry. The signs the Lord is breaking you out are: Hope, Love, Peace, Quiet, and Understanding. That's why He came, that's who He is and that's who we need to bow down to. He's already made His decision, have you?
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:6 NIV