Good morning all-
I woke up this morning way before my alarm clock to what I believe is a true revelation in my life. You know it when you ask the Lord to reveal to you your sin and then He does. In this case, it's really not a total revelation because the sin has been present for most of my life and as it's been revealed this year. Something had to change.
Since I was 24 years old, I have worried about provision. It has been on my shoulders day after day, hour after hour. You probably are wondering what changed for me. My whole life changed because it was that year I became a wife and a mother and the worry set in. Not in my wildest dreams would I have believed that provision would haunt me even 25 years later but it has. Nothing can be more life changing than watching your child be so sick he should be in the hospital but you don't have insurance and there's not enough in your checking account to even write a $50.00 check so that your son can have medical treatment. It was a profound and life changing experience for me and that one event has propelled me to work myself to exhaustion. At this point, you might be asking yourself why? Well it was mostly because if I worked hard enough, I would never have to worry about medical treatment, where I would live or if I could buy food.
Unfortunately, I believe that it's this one sin that has kept me from fulfilling my calling and has been a life sin, one I really wasn't aware of until this year. Who would blame a woman for working hard to support her family? No one. And yet, it is the one thing that has made me miss school events, be away for days at a time, and completely immerse my head into the problems of the day rather than the joy of being present with my kids. That's how one small event can change the course of who you are and where your going.
At this point your probably wondering if I have regrets. Yes but only in the sense that I wish I could have been around more. I don't regret making sure my kids had clothes, food or shelter. I don't regret supporting my husband so that he could do what he loved and I will never regret the calling God gave me to love others and there's been many I have prayed for and loved. At the same time, I have high expectations of people because of my journey, which I believe have decreased in the last couple of months.
So what changed? I started immersing myself into Scripture, I prayed and I asked God to cleanse me and make me new and out of it came this very significant revelation, I only trust myself for provision. Just writing that makes me sick. I often wondered how the Israelites could turn their backs on the manna that rained from the sky and here I am just realizing I'm no better. I'm like the rich man that wanted to follow Jesus but didn't want to sell everything to follow Him. I'm the Israelite who made a golden calf why Moses was on the mountain. I'm part of the crowd who wanted to kill Moses for His words. Pathetic don't you think?
And yet, I have a Father that doesn't give up on a daughter who believes she is the provider. He pursues her and waits patiently until an event changes her whole life and the only place she has to go is to Him. Everything she held sacred is in jeopardy and the only direction she has to run is into His arms and instead of turning her away, He holds her and says, "I've gone before you." And if that weren't enough, He sends her to a Beth Moore event where on her chair is "Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest." Coincidence, I think not. Each chair was prayed over by a team of women and on my chair was the one thing I most needed to hear because I no longer believed in the security of my hard work. I needed a miracle. I thought He was going to deliver me from my circumstances but instead I found myself, through Christ, by the revealing of my sin and true repentance. I'm not the provider, He is.
So I'm changing direction. I'm not looking for the next great thing I can worry about, like my future, my 401K or even my next step. I'm only looking for His provision. I haven't conquered the need to provide. It will be with me daily as I give it to Him and asking Him to bless those around me first. The last months have been very rough on me personally but the moment I gave up my provision and asked Him to provide the clouds moved out and the sun has never shined brighter. I owe everything to Christ Jesus and I know it. Thank you to a God that pursues us even when we can't see. Thank you mostly to Jesus for loving me enough to reveal this very disfigured mindset, while renewing my heart at the very same time. I owe all to Him and so do you. I'm praying for a change in your direction of faith, go to Him today and ask Him to change your course.
YOU ARE NOT THE PROVIDER, JESUS IS. IT IS BY FAITH THAT HE WILL REVEAL HIMSELF AND MAKE YOU NEW. DON'T WAIT FOR SOMETHING LIFE CHANGING TO HAPPEN, START TODAY BY REPENTING AND BELIEVING HE WILL PROVIDE ALL YOUR NEEDS! HE'S WAITING AND THE ONLY PHONE CALL YOU HAVE TO MAKE IS ON YOUR KNEES.
Rest for the Weary
…27"All things have been handed over to Me by My Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father; nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and anyone to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. 28"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.…
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